I’ve had anxiety ever since I was a kid. But I don’t think I ever really understood what it was that I was feeling until the last few years. I mostly ignored how I felt and just pushed through it.
When COVID hit in 2020, it REALLY hit me. Like millions of others, I was suddenly working from home because of the uncertainty and fear of the virus. At first, it was awesome. I could roll out of bed, brush my teeth, and be on the computer in minutes. I was spending more time at home with my family and saving money on fuel for my commute. I’d end the day at home having a couple of drinks with my wife. Everything was great!
Unfortunately, the pandemic also coincided with some internal issues at work that led to layoffs. Luckily, I wasn’t affected, but many positions were left vacant — and the company’s solution was to redistribute the work to the remaining employees. One of those employees was me.
I was given additional responsibilities that I didn’t know how to handle. There was no training or support, and my workload kept piling up. Being remote made things worse: I couldn’t just walk over to someone’s desk to ask questions. Everything was virtual, and everyone else was drowning in their own tasks. I started indulging in alcohol more during this time to help ease my mind.
At one point, I reached out to my manager for help. During our first virtual “training,” she said she had to hop off because our Director was calling — and that she’d call me back shortly. She never did. She was laid off.
I’ve always prided myself on being a hard worker and excelling in my roles, but I just couldn’t get a handle on everything. There weren’t enough hours in the day. I started having anxiety attacks — something I’d never experienced before. They were debilitating. Any little thing would trigger them.
I wasn’t sleeping well at all. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety and it would take me hours to fall back asleep. It became a cycle: I couldn’t sleep because I was stressed, and I was stressed because I couldn’t sleep. My mind was always racing.
There were times when my wife or kids would be talking to me, and my mind was so full of noise that I wasn’t really listening. I could look them right in the eyes, but my thoughts were somewhere else. I hated that. I hated that I couldn’t even get through a conversation with them. When it would hit me I would have to walk away from everyone and and lock myself in a room or bathroom until I was able to calm down enough to proceed with my day. But it always lingered.
Eventually after months of this daily cycle, I was able to get hired by another company thanks to the help from an old co-worker and friend. But my struggle and lack of confidence had me in a bad place mentally. I was consistently doubting myself leading up to and during the interview. Waiting to hear back was worse. So many thoughts ran through my head about how I wasn’t qualified and whether I’d make enough money to support my family. I kept replaying my interview and the things I could have said better. The moment I found out I got the job, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. It was my first step in learning to take life one breath at a time.